Table Jokes (Written by actual humans!)

If there is one place I think is best to tell a terrible dad joke, it’s round the dinner table, or any table really. Everyone is sitting around it, there are no distractions, and whoever is talking has all the attention. There litterlly is no better moment to tell and deliver a joke totally deadpan to break the ice or get everyone to smile.

So to celebrate the humble table that provides the perfect stage, here is a list of the best jokes about tables we could find. Have also made a couple ourselves and there is a free printable version in case you want to print, cut and share them around the dinner table and take turns saying them out loud. If you have any table jokes or puns to share, let us know in the comments!

A card on a white tray reads: Ive just bought a Van Gogh coffee table. I know its genuine because it has a bit of veneer missing. Another similar card is partially visible behind it.

Table Jokes

What does a table become when you accidentally pour water on it? A pool table.
I bought a DIY table today. There were no instructions. It was counter intuitive.
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table? Sir Cumference
Why did the restaurant get rid of their high-top tables? Because they were short staffed.
My wife said, can you clear the kitchen table? I had to get a running start but I made it.
Booked a table for 2 for Valentine’s Day. Hope my girlfriend likes snooker.
Why didn’t King Arthur use the square table? Because that table wasn’t a-round.
What do you call an extremely soothing table? A console.
An SQL query goes to a restaurant, walks up to 2 tables and says “Can I join you?”?
I’ve just bought a Van Gogh coffee table. I know it’s genuine because it has a bit of veneer missing.
I tried writing jokes about the periodic table. But I realized I wasn’t quite in my element.
Yesterday at the dinner table my dad asked me, “are you even listening to me?” Weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
At my grandma’s funeral there was a bowl of her favorite candy on the table. They were bereave-mints.
What happens if you play table tennis with a bad egg? It goes ping, then it goes pong.
What did the cat say when she fell off the table? Me-ow.
Where does the periodic table go on Sundays? Mass.
The man who invented the revolving table was probably thinking this is going to revolutionize tables forever.
What do you call a couch, chair, and table made out of plants? Ferniture.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk Oh, the tables have turned.
I had dinner once with a chess Grand Master in a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took her two hours to pass me the salt.
Why did the T-Rex behind the blackjack table get arrested? He was small arms dealing.
Why do turkeys gobble? Because they never learned table manners.
What is fascinating about a breakfast table with a jug of milk on it? It has four legs and lacks toes.
I think I spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
When I was a kid, my dad worked hard to put food on the table. He was a good waiter.