Hammer Jokes (curated by a human!)

I am definitely not a handyman, in fact what usually happens when something needs fixing is that I go and get the tools from the garage and then I hand them over to my wife (Elien) who does the fixing. Last time I used a hammer was to try knock some new nails into our stairs leading to our front door, as the wood had become warped from the sun.. I hit the nails in but it was so far from flush that I just had to stop before I made it worse..

While we could just laugh at me all day and my lack of hammer skills, let’s instead laugh at some jokes about hammers. I have selected the best human made hammer jokes I could find and added some originals to this list myself. If you want, you can download the free printable version I made that you can print, cut and maybe place in a toolbox for someone to find one day? If you have any hammer puns, then let me know in the comments section so I can add them to this list!

A card with the text: What do you call a song about hammers? An absolute banger. The card rests on a round marble surface atop a white background.

Hammer Jokes

I named my hammer Thor. Because after swinging it all day my arm is thor.
Once I was asked to tell some hammer jokes at the local stand up comedy show. I nailed it.
A construction worker decided to go to a bar for a few drinks. He got hammered.
What do you call a song about hammers? An absolute banger.
I told my dad that I was hungry. He just handed me a quarter and a mallet and said here’s a quarter pounder.
How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer? Hold the hammer with both hands.
What happens when the god of thunder drops his hammer? He gets a Thor foot.
As a doctor I often get asked why I use that rubber hammer to tap a patient’s knees. I just get a little kick out of it.
The other day, I heard about a guy who vandalized some park benches using a hammer. The police said that was an act of mallets.
How fast was Thor’s hammer destroyed? Hela Fast.
What do you call a shy person with a hammer? Bashful.
I never understood how a hammer could be so susceptible to the effects of gravity, and then it hit me.
What do construction workers and volleyball players have in common? They really like to hammer the spikes.
My friend had yet to meet a few of my favorite tools, so I introduced him to the chisel, the hammer, and the saw. He already knew the drill though.
The other day the teacher asked one student if anyone knew who invented the door hammer. The student said, “No, it doesn’t ring a bell.
I don’t like watching hammer throw. It’s just a few people who throw their weight around.
Why do frogs dislike hammers so much? Because they are a toad’s tool.
What is the best tool in the ocean? A hammerhead shark.
What do you get when you hit an avocado with a hammer? A whack-a-moley.
I saw a dog do the impossible today. It found Thor’s hammer in a field and, to my surprise, grabbed the hammer in its mouth and lifted it with ease. That dog must be a Labrathor.
What is one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time? The jackhammer.
I was working on an investigative report regarding hammers for work this month. Talk about a hard-hitting topic.
What nails do carpenters hate hammering? Fingernails.
I was bored and hit my iPhone with a hammer, it broke, obviously. So, I took it to the shop to get it fixed. The man at the counter said they can’t fix hammers.
Why did the hammer constantly go to the hospital? He kept hitting his head.
Why didn’t Captain America pick up Mjolnir sooner? He really didn’t want to steal Thor’s thunder.
Best part of hammering out construction puns is even when the punchline is screwy, you can still nail it.